summer: a retrospective

September 19, 2023

This summer has been hell. I lost my mom in July. She was my best friend, my rock, my sounding board, my biggest supporter, my everything. I am the person I am because of her. She encouraged me to explore my creativity and always cheered me on. She bought me endless rolls of film and my first camera when I was just a little girl. Then she bought me my second, third, and probably fourth camera. She drove me to school and the bookstore. She is responsible for my love of horror movies and so many parts of me that just are. I will never know a love as pure as her's again. It would be a disservice to go on publishing posts here without acknowledging the catastrophic loss that I've suffered and all the ways it's changed me. I can feel myself being reshaped by grief and her absence. I feel like I'm stuck in a perpetual cycle of molting and emerging from my chrysalis. I still have trouble with the past tense. I still beg the sandman for dreamless slumbers every night. I know I'll eventually be able to look at the world through my own eyes again, without the haze of grief clouding everything I do and feel. But that time has not come yet. 

A few days ago I found myself looking at shapes and framing them in my mind. I caught myself thinking "that would make a good shot." I've been able to read some, and I've found some comfort in stories that aren't my own. This week I've been binging the horror movies I'd been wanting to watch but couldn't bring myself to until now. And instead of listening to the same three songs on repeat, I've been able to listen to music again and even enjoy it at times. One day I'll get there, but that day is not today. 

I don't have anything current to share, but I thought I would put together some of my favorite shots from various hikes and photo walks I went on earlier this summer in another post. Until then, thank you for your support of me and my little passion project. It does not go unnoticed. I have a few photos of my mom and me when I was a baby, but I've always loved how ethereal she looks in this one. 

My mom and me, 1991.